Sometimes, my head gets heavy. A fog weighing me down, blurring the horizon.
I would laugh at my ability to sleep for 13 hours. Wake up at 2 pm. Skip class. Not eat. "I was up too late. Hanging out." I would say. I didn't like to commit to things. There was no way to know how I would feel that day, and if I would have to cancel cause the anxiety would sting so bad. The task of putting my feet on the ground and making my bed became something I learned to let myself celebrate. A new day to try again.
I thought to qualify as being depressed meant suicidal thoughts. But that wasn't my battle. I never knew the scale was so wide and covered beyond, so I didn't know how to talk about my ongoing depression.
It's not that bad.
I don't need help.
I'm just making it too big of a deal.
It's just feelings.
It took me years to finally let someone in. The high-highs, and the low-lows may be something I deal with for my whole life. But because of better conversations, and the growing awareness of mental health, it has become easier for me to manage in my life. I've learned how to take better care of myself, to accept myself, and love myself. I've learned to practice boundaries. And I've learned how to ask for help.
Some days still really suck. There's no shame in that. 1 in 4 people struggle with mental health. Wherever you are with it, doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you a failure. We need to help each other shake those lies off, they aren't worth our time. Being human is complex. We have a depth to our soul that is hard to make sense of from time to time.
So lets continue to change our conversations covering mental health. Ask a friend how they are doing. How they are REALLY doing. And swallow them up in love to remind them it's okay to not be okay. And then practice what you preach, and don't forget to be kind to the face in the mirror. You don't need to do this alone either. I'm thankful for counseling, medication, and vulnerable conversations shared between people in their darkest times. And I'm so dang grateful for the LIGHT. The glimpses it shines, even through the fog.